Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
