There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
