Can i not drive my cunt home
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
