I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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