my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
