I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
