i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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