where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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