I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
how drunk are you?
Several
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
