DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
jump out the window naked night went bad
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
