I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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