I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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