At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
