someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
