Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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