It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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