so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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