Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
