I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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