I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
