apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
