I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
