I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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