You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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