i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
porn star boner night. come get it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
