My sheets look like a crime scene.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
