I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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