and she was petting her beer can
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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