Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
