I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
