I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
