you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
