I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
