I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
