should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
