New invention idea: vibrating tampons
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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