So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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