turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
