the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
