why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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