Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
