So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
two words: eviction party
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
