Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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