Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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