I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
