That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
