Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
