i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
