I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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