ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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