thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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