Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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